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Black Cats are Good Luck
Photos via Pinterest
I SAW FIVE BLACK CATS IN ONE AREA WHILE WALKING UP THE STREET. Three walked up to me. I wonder if that means something.
You are the lord of black cats
REMEMBER THAT PART IN THE ODYSSEY WHEN ODYSEUS TOLD POLYTHEMUS THE CYCLOPS HIS NAME WAS NOBODY AND THEN HE STABBED HIM IN THE EYE WITH A GIANT STICK AND HE STARTED SCREAMING AND THE OTHER CYCLOPS YELLED FROM THEIR CAVES AND ASKED WHAT WAS GOING ON AND POLYTHEMUS SAID THAT NOBODY HAS HURT HIM AND THEY WERE LIKE WELL THEN SHUT THE FUCK UP
But for real.
Aww I found my old drawing of agent Mulder. Judging by handwriting it’s probably 7 or 8 grade
Sorry if there are any mistakes, english is not my first language. Enjoy!
It was a normal day in refrigerator Lima. In the morning Kurt slipped away from the grab of Omnivorous Hand, fell through the refrigerator’s wire shelf refusing to be fried with so much oil with the rest of bacon slices. He didn’t want to be greasy, no-no, no chances! He kept his elegant shape and his noble unfried skin tone.
His sausage father sighed helplessly. Kurt was a good slice of bacon, and even better son. But despite everything he didn’t like oil. Or a pan. Or even grill.
Kurt fell down on the bottom shelf and to his great surprise found a closed tray of eggs. This was the first time he saw such a refrigeratorsman here. The name Warblers was printed on the top of the tray.
Kurt knocked carefully at the carton. The sound was dull and Kurt heard many-voiced grumbling from inside the box. The edge of the lid opened up an a white egg poked out. The egg had a huge hazel eyes, gelled hair and a painted bowtie somewhere below his mouth. He was perfect.
Blaine couldn’t look away from Kurt’s wavy silhouette, from his curves and his colours. Everybody he knew were so OVAL. And Kurt was pefect.
They became good friends really quickly and the moment Omnivorous Hand opened Lima’s door they run away from the fridge. Kurt rolled his soft body around Blaine’s fragile shell and they fell down from the fridge. They run as fast as they can from the Omnivorous Hand and it’s body towards the low Kitchen shelves. Kurt have never been so far away from home.
After getting on the shelf and pulling Blaine up with him, Kurt smiled victoriously. They were alone and could do anythin they wanted to. Blaine shuffled his foot. Kurt looked up at him and right into his incredible eyes.
Blaine couldn’t look away from boundless depth of ocean in Kurt’s eyes.
"Here you are" he said. "I’ve been looking for you forever."
Their kiss was even brighter than the burning fire of allburning Stove.
Blaine broke the kiss and anxiously asked Kurt.
"What would our children would be like? I want them to be like you. As soft as you."
Kurt snickered nervously. Blaine was so silly.
"Silly, you don’t get pregnant like that."
"Yeah? Then how?"
"Oh, it’s easy."
And Kurt showed Blaine how theoretically you can get pregnant. And then a few more times just to make sure he understood.
In the evening, Kurt and Blaine got back in the fridge and hid into the side shelf. They were not ready to be taken by the Omnivorous Arm.
Burt, Kurt’s father, noticed some changes in his son. Or more likely saw them sneaking back in. Everybody knew where and why fridgemen of Lima go there.
Burt wanted only the best for his son, so he started determinedly.
"Look, Kurt. I ain’t dumb meat. I know you’re having sex with Blaine. I’m not mad. Just tell me, that you twoare being safe.
Kurt got absorbed by his memories without realizing it.
Blaine was moaning, fidgetting his hard oval body under Kurt’s soft and elastic one. He was enveloped by passion. He was on fire like a meat on grill.
"K-Kurt! OH! D-do you have protection?
Kurt wasn’t some dumb steak that didn’t even get into fridge but went straight to the Omnivorous Hand’s table.
"Of course," he reassured Blaine. "And only the best for you."
He showed him a bottle of Heinz giving Blaine his best sexy smile. Blaine moaned even more loudly, shivers went down his shell. It seemed like even his yolk is trembling from anticipation. It was the marvelous magical Heinz, for god’s sake!
Kurt shook the upper part of his body, coming back to his senses. And he answered his father: “Uh… Yes?”
"Good," - said Burt relaxed, and took a gulp from his mug of beer.
Kurt and Blaine didn’t return to the fridge this time. Omnivorous Hand had a party and almost all of the Lima’s fridgemen were taken for the Great Gulping Mission. Kurt had to say bye to Burt. It was sad to never see him again, but it was a great honor to be with an Omnivorous Hand at it’s party.
Kurt was taken too at first and he was fried in greasy oil to his disgust. But he was able to escape by falling with a slapping noise on the floor with his hot body. In a moment he was on his feet running towards Blaine who rolled under their kitchen shelf.
Kurt wrapped his arms around Blaine’s round neck and sniffed.
"I am greasy now. Disgusting. You won’t love me anymore."
Blaine was a respectable egg laid by the ecologically grown hen. He was raised in a good family with the best upbringing. But life didn’t prepare him for things like that. He looked at Kurt, confused and thoughtful and asked him: “Why won’t I love you? You’re perfect. And now you’re even more beautiful then ever.”
Kurt looked at him suspiciously with watery eyes: “I’m greasy now! “
Blaine smiled at him. Silly Kurt, he didn’t get that oil was a perfect lubricant. And Blaine skilfully used this advantage. And then one more time. And once more.
During another round Blaine started to feel weird heat inside and something was scratching him from inside. And then they heard it. Kurt slipped out of Blaine with a wet sound and looked at him worriedly still hovering over him.
"Is that a baby? Kurt? Baby? Did I get pregnant? "
Kurt wasn’t fast enough to shush him because a big crack went down Blaine’s shell and the next moment there was a yellow chicken under Kurt looking at him with triangle eyebrows raised up to the curly hairline in wonder.
A bit later Kurt was sitting on the enge with his legs dangling off the shelf. Blaine was a free bird now, he would surely fly away. And Kurt would still be a greasy grilled piece of bacon.
But Blaine didn’t give up. He wrapped a wing around Kurt’s shoulders, understanding his troubled feelings and said: “Don’t give up! We’ll fly away together! “
Kurt looked up at him.
"You can’t carry me on your own, you’re too small. And I’m not a bird. You’ll eat me for sure!"- he sighed feeling doomed.
The next moment Blaine chirped:
"Mister Heiz, you are food spirit
Save us from this mess,
Help us, please, allmighty ketchup
Turn him into bird and match us!
The shelf was eveloped with the bright shine of rainbow and a magical ketchup bottle of Heinz appeared, speaking to them: “I am watching you, my children, and I hear your hearts full of love. Let it be!
Ketchup waved a chile pepper in his hand and a rainbow fell out of it, covering Kurt. The next moment, instead of the slice of bacon there was a little canary chick, twittering excitedly.
"Live with love, my children." ketchup told them and then wanished with a firework of purple sparks.
Kurt and Blaine jumped up and down happily around each other, waving their little wings.
I have truly ascended into hell
I’m both very sorry and laughing so hard my ribs hurt
Tempted to do an audio-post reading of this. I have the worst voice in mind.
where the fuck were you if you ascended into hell
i cringed so hard i think my jaw broke
Please pleeeeeeease stop offering me Russian blogs to follow. If they aren’t fandom blogs of sane people I know… just don’t.